soapboxdiner

The psychiatrist is: out

There may be a sign in the works. There may be good omens descending upon me to harken in a change in circumstance, a betterment of my life.

Yes, there may just be. On December 24, I will be in a downtown government building, taking many tests of aptitude and skill. That isn't the harkening omen, though.

When the AG's Office and I finally spoke, following three days of phone tag, I was able to talk without babbling incoherently. This may be an omen - as lately I have been struck with much trepidation when talking with people who hold so much power over giving me what I want. But lo, I was concise and articulate! It probablly had to do with having to run from one end of the Insurance Co. building to the phone. The AG rep was probably on hold five minutes - and she didn't hang up!

But the most amazing sign was the fact that despite having applied online three months ago, I still have the required application printout in my possession! Do I have the applications for the three other job titles I applied for? Not a chance in hell!

Now, next Tuesday will be fine. I have no problems with high-stress tests. My skills are ace. My aptitude is top-notch. I am sure it will go as these things always go. That being I will meet with the secretary in charge of the testing and she/he will be lovely. She/he will look at my test scores and utter the word, "Wow." I'm honestly not being full of myself here, I am just a really good test taker. I always score in the near-perfect range on these things. Yes, I'm smart - but my smart probably has a lot more to do with being able to see that the test makers usually hint so damned freely in the tests the answers just announce themselves. It isn't like I'm psychic or anything.

Yeah, so I'll do really good on the testing. Cinch, no prob.

Where I choke is in the important part. Equally, always. It always comes down to the interview, where they ask me questions about my history and I feel so damned insecure because by appearances I look like a flake who can't manage to stay on a job more than 18 months. And being a person of exceptional honesty, I can't even lie to myself. I've convinced myself that the past five years of lability have all been due to some internal error on my part. It doesn't matter that I can do the job well or that the reasonings for many of the left jobs were management calls such as departmental lay-offs or going out of business, I've convinced myself that it's because they thought I sucked.

See the problem? So I get in there and fall apart. My tongue gets about 6 inches thick and I over-compensate with beauty-queen-vaseline smiles and a lot of um, well, you see... and I believe work ethic is the most important aspect... knowing full well that office assistants are a dime a dozen in the employer's eyes. Shit, anyone with two years in an office and a GED can do this job. Or so the skills requirements claim.

I just really want this time to work out. I want to be OA Senior to the AG. I'm petrified that they will talk with me and tell me I suck. You'd laugh at me if you heard all the practice interviews I've conducted in my head. They are Oscar material. Oh yes. But am I ever able to bring it home?

Well, let's hope this time is different. Because I'm really not a mouse. I'm a smart woman with fairly decent communication skills any employer would be lucky to get, right? So why do I always freak? Why does the confidence I feel the rest of the time run screaming like a boy being chased by a bully whenever I have important impressions to make?

And I think the Christmas vibe of happiness and good cheer has passed over my house this year. Who do I call to give hell for the oversight? Oops, you see? Not very Christmas-y of me at all.

8:24 am - 12.21.02
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