soapboxdiner

Rational Unacceptance of Irrationality

Have I mentioned lately that work sucks? Well, far be it from me to let a week slide without sharing that unique little tidbit with the world. Hellish - learning new procedures. I can't seem to get these things into my brain and spend much time telling myself that I AM smart and can learn this stuff. I am not hopelessly unteachable. But it's a hard road. I tell myself these bad feelings about it, this anxiety and fear of being fired, they are just a temporary irrational reaction to wanting to be perfect at what I am doing - RIGHT NOW. Tears welling in my eyes... can't catch my breath, want to run away and quit right then and there. I force myself to breathe. Force. It's all so unreal.

I want it be be second nature the first time I do it. And this... isn't. When did learning new things become so hard?

Probably about the same time I started to fear being fired every time I started a new job. Must. Break. Cycle. I think I need help with this. My self-reassurances that I will stop feeling so worried once these things are learned aren't working just quite yet.

Tonight is T-Ball awards party at Shakey's Pizza. Cannot wait to be done with having to face all the strangers that have been the same strangers I've seen two nights a week for two months. Don't want to go. Guilty acquiscence because it is good for my son to live normally without knowing his mother is a sociophobe - or whatever the word is for being afraid of people. I'm too tired to look it up.

I will go now. And try to be normal for my son's sake.

But it hurts.

5:27 pm - 08.16.02
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