soapboxdiner

Put on your red dress and dance the blues

That Shivers is sure one smart cookie.

I was reading somewhere, in one of the well-loved books that have escaped selling in the recent months of upheaval, about a concept that perfectly put into words what my natural cycle goes through once, maybe twice a year.

Reading in books, hearing the words come from others that mirrors me so closely - is so... reinforcing... intimately comforting. There are so many different experiences in the world - different mindsets and beliefs. You can talk about a thing with one person and be deemed nuts. Talk about the same thing to someone else and... nirvana.

But you have no idea what I'm talking about, do you? You're probably somewhere between, "Well duh, SBD" and "She's lost her marbles." To the former I say, "Oh hush your mouth." and to the latter, "And you're just figuring that out?"

Anyway, cycles. It happens in a life where you may begin to notice a sense of boredom in routine. Angst sets in as you look around rather enviously at others, thinking to yourself, "Oh, look at what they have. Look at what they are doing. Look at what I'm not and what I don't." You begin to conspire alone inside your brain about remedies - most of which are far-fetched and practically speaking inconceivable in reality. You start considering moving. Changing. Acquiring some of what you have been coveting or what you intuit as something you've let go and lost.

Why are these things inconceivable? Because many of them would require you to become a completely different person. What doesn't often figure into the equation of the angst-driven desires is that you take with you what you inherently are. You can go to a different place, do a different thing, actualize what you've perceived as the fix you've been needing. Only the fix you've sensed has psychologically grown to such proportions, in your mind at least, that it is no longer rational. It has entered the realms of transfixion. It has become a fantasy you are trying to make reality.

At least that is what has happened inside your thinking. Whether or not you put them into action is something entirely different. Most people don't go off quitting their jobs or up-sticking into the middle of some unknown better, more "me" place.

And at any rate, if you do, reality soon follows. You may have made the changes that you thought would change your life, but you are still you. You've brought with you the same character and creature traits that have always made you up. And then you wonder why the change hasn't facilitated the happy results you'd envisioned. Hmm.

When you return, you are a little wiser if you're lucky. And you are very, very relieved to be back in the comfortable place you'd originally found boring.

I have no idea as to the purpose that ride has - if it is supposed to make you appreciate what you have or if it's supposed to awaken in you a more realistic approach to making the change - but in the end... wasn't the ride interesting?

I'd like to have a conversation with Shivers about this whole big, confusing thing. I think if there is another woman on this planet who knows the theory of the cycle, she is definitely her.

2:01 pm - 08.03.02
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