soapboxdiner

Dammit, Man! You done made me hurt my . . .

Forgive me if this is just a little cruder than the usual, but it is literally in all ways possible, SCREAMING out to be shared.

So this past glorious spring Sunday afternoon, I gazed out into the backyard, full of burgeoning buds of dogwood, azalea and rhododendron, I said unto myself, "Self, the lawn needs mowing. You should totally get that handled."

And without too much complaining, Self put on her lawn mowing shoes and moseyed off yonder to the back 40, unlocked the shed, pulled out the mower, and commensed with some mowing.

It was lovely, and quite nearly not horrible in any way at all. The yard looks kempt even, and I only mowed over one toddler/poodle toy Nerf ball. But in my defense, the lawn was tall and the ball WAS green.

So anyways, job completed I looked all ferry across the mersey and stuff and said to my Self, "Self, you should mow the front yard, too!" So I hauled the lawnmover up onto the patio and wheeled it through the garage all slick-like ... until I walked backwards right into the deep freeze and smashed my hand right smack dab between the freezer and the mower.

"Ouch. That was completely dumb AND painful in every way, Self. Why did you do that?"

Self just stared blankly at me in return. Why, because Self isn't very bright, nor very coordinated, apparently.

Anyways, couple hours later, my hand started to itch really a whole lot and there was this dime-sized lump right where I'd smashed it. Only, I really hadn't given very much thought about it at the time, cuz I'm kinda clumsy A LOT. It's really nothing to write home about.

So I scratch my lumpy, bumpy, ouchy hand. Fuck, I say. Ow. What the heck did I give myself hand leprosy for?

So that, all night long. *Itch, itch, itch. Ow, WTF?!?!* until bedtime. So I'm putting my nightly hand cream on and I look down, and my whole hand is swollen like that kid Rocky's face in the movie Mask.

Not that I in any way promote or endorse making fun of Rocky. In fact, Rocky kinda ruled in that movie. But the simple, guileless fact of the matter was, his face was swollen -- much as my hand was and currently is ... swollen.

Anyways. So I swivel my huge, distorted hand over in D00d's direction and I said, "Hey! You ever see that movie Phone Booth with Keifer Sutherland and Colin Farrell?"

"Uh, yeah."

"You remember that scene when the hooker came over and banged on the booth door?"

"Nuh-uh. I don't remember that."

"You have GOT to be kidding me. It was totally only the WHOLE BEST scene in the entire movie."

"It was?"

"Yes, it was," I pontificated. "Don't you remember when she said ..."

And then I did my very best impersonation of . . .

. . . THIS CHICK.

Again, deepest apologies for the crudeness. Or not.

Anyways, and so I've been kinda laughing the whole day because, dammit, that's really funny. Only, I can't really share those kinds of things at work. You know, it being dreadfully work-y and all.

9:21 pm - 04.26.10
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