Soapbox Diner: The one in which I curse a lot and get angry.

Soapbox Diner

The one in which I curse a lot and get angry.

11.19.07

Thank you for your note:

. . . [The act of taking responsibility for your actions, and for the pain that spreads like a disease because of those actions, can go a long way in helping the person you've hurt to heal. I think. I don't really know because I'm still waiting, too. But the anger that comes from waiting for that person to show remorse and to show that they are no longer blaming their very bad behavior on everything and everyone else, it can eat away at you in an even larger way.] . . .

You know? Ain't it just so. Le sigh. Many years ago in my formative years, three very important relationships ended in rapid succession (in about 7 years). Funny, because afterwards, through my mid and late 20s, I kept asking myself Why. Why, why, why? Why did he leave me like he did? Why couldn't he have just been honest and told me he wanted out. Why couldn't he have just given me a minute to collect myself and move on? What did I do, what happened, to make him stop loving me?

Of course now I know, there are no answers to that, beyond the plain and simple reason: Because. Because it was easier for him to walk away. Because break-ups are dirty, especially when I still had feelings and hadn't gotten to the point he had gotten to. Because he owed me money and now I was living out of my car at age 18. Because I was pregnant and he didn't want to stick around. Because we both knew we were only 'we' for the party.

Didn't make it hurt any less, but at least I stopped asking Why.

But this time, I was the one who wanted out. The only problem was, he was living under MY roof, and as an occupant of the residency, I had no legal recourse to get him out. It was a nightmare, and all he could say was, "You aren't serious about ending this relationship."

Well, dammit, I was serious, and financial consequences be damned. I was too tired of being miserable around him, and I was too tired of fighting him every time I showed solidarity against him in defense of my child.

But still, I didn't want this, I didn't ask for this - him going to jail, I mean. And truth be told, when I called 911 afterwards, I actually reported assault, not rape. It was only after he bumrushed me to get the phone out of my hand that I freaked out and screamed at him. "Get away from me, you RAPED ME, fucker!"

Funny how those words stick with you.

Sigh again.

I guess I didn't expect anything more from his sentencing. I mean, I knew he wouldn't have anything to say to the judge. But I did hope to be able to read something quiet from his expression. I hoped that he would show some sort of emotion in seeing me besides disdain.

And I'm pissed as hell that his cousin, who is the Ex's BFF, had the fucking NERVE to call the Ex and tell her to show up. It pisses me off that she had the nerve to look me in the face and say, "I'm sorry it had to come to this. God bless you." when she KNEW that the Ex was going to show up. Skanky, nasty, drug-riddled whores.

And it also pisses me off that Ex had the nerve to show up, walk in, sit next to his family - who HATE her - and no one did or said a thing. They ALLOWED that bitch to sit with them in solidarity. They ALLOWED her to get her skank-ass up and call me a liar to God and everyone. And then to stare me down to see if I would flinch. Bitch, come and test me. I couldn't even stay all the way through, because this bitch calls my house, follows me in her car, tells my son that he better watch his back because she's gonna come and fuck with us.

News flash, HE DIDN'T WANT YOU ANYMORE. And moreover, I DIDN'T WANT HIM ANYMORE, EITHER. So grow up, show some class, and leave me and my family alone. And for Godsakes, if you want to show Mr. T that you still love him, visit him at County, or the prison. Just don't fucking show up to court - MY moment of justice - and call me a liar. I WILL CUT YOU.

Well, not really. But it feels really good to get the anger out.

And the sad thing is, a part of me still harbored the idea that when this is all done and over, maybe we could . . . I don't know, be friends? Open up some line of communication? I didn't hate him, I just didn't want him controlling my life anymore. I didn't want to fight him anymore. I didn't want to check my bank balance and find that he'd "borrowed" hundreds of dollars without my permission anymore. I didn't want to come up and find "hot" merchandise in my house - "All we gotta do is exchange it. We'll get over on that store, ha ha ha."

I don't want to shoplift, or be an accessory to it. I don't want to gamble away the mortgage payment. I just want to pay my bills on time and live this life without the drama. If you can't handle being straight, then you'd be better off with someone else. Sorry.

I didn't want to lose my friend. I just wanted him to be a decent, stand-up kind of guy.

But he wasn't then, so I guess there shouldn't be any surprise that he isn't now.

And the advocate said, "I can't believe that he couldn't even show his thankfulness that you agreed to reduce his sentence."

Well, and of course not. He didn't plead guilty out of any sense of duty. The only reason he took the plea was because it meant his sentence would be reduced from 20 years down to 2. But two years is still two years, and Bitch, you're the one who did this to me. You and The Man, always tryin' to pull the rug out from under a brother tryin' to come up. You and your White Girl, "Oh, I was raped by the big, mean, scary Black Guy," fucked-up, lying conspiracy program.

That's the story there.

Oh, but just don't say that to his Aunt, who sits there and tells me the story that he still loves me. What kind of fucked up love is that? You know what, you can keep all that love. Save it for the Ex, who is stupid and has no self respect. Oh, that's right - you don't want her. You just keep her around as the back-up pussy when you're running low, or when you don't have nowhere else to go. You're sorry, and so is she for allowing it. Too bad you don't want her, because you two are perfect for each other.

Who links to me?

sbd v. 11 @ 2002-2007