Soapbox Diner
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Got Yogurt? |
06.28.07 |
Brazen Hussy has a new boyfriend, and all she can talk about is . . . the new boyfriend. Oh, he's so sweet! and Oh, he's so wonderful that he rubs my feet! and the even most Dreaded Oh, he's such a great lover! And being the good friend that I am, I always tell her, "If you don't shut your yap about your Italian stud, I will punch you straight in your neck." And then I < shun > her on MSN Messenger so she can't IM me. Ha! That'll teach her.
So anyways, I had my revenge today. She comes in walking just a little bit, um, delicately.
What's up with you, Brazen Hussy? I ask.
"I, I think I have a yeast infection. Oh, it's AWFUL!"
Wow, that sucks. Did you get it from all that mad, passionate sex with your Italian stud?
"He gave it to me, he had to!"
Tsk, tsk. You look like you're in a lot of pain and discomfort. Does it itch?
"Yeah."
Burn?
"Yes."
Feel like your insides are festering and will soon explode?
"YES, dammit."
Man, it really sucks to be you right now, huh?
The End.
Then a couple hours later, she IMs me again.
"Hey, where is the closest pharmacy?"
Why do you ask, Brazen Hussy?
"I need to to get stuff to take care of this. It hurts!!!"
Hurts? Does it burn? Itch?
"Dammit, where's the pharmacy?"
I'll take you to the pharmacy, sheesh! Like I wouldn't.
"What's the best stuff?"
Oh, man, let me tell you about the best shit EVER INVENTED in the whole history of EVERYTHING. It's called Monistat 1 with the ovule. That shit is the BOMB! You'll be back to your screwin' in no time! Oh, but the thing? That ovule thing? Yeah, word of caution about that. See, the ovule is great and all, but the applicator? See it's just this little cup and you put the egg thingy right on it and it's cool. The only thing, though, is the cup doesn't have a catcher on it. See, you have to turn it upside down to insert it. Ha! That's a really good one, cuz once you turn it upside down? Yeah, it falls right into the toilet and you're out 20 bucks and still have the itchy burnies. Fuckers were made by men, I swear.
"Oh, man."
Yeah, but if you stand on your head with one hand and then put it in with the other, you'll be all good. Just be sure to put tissue down so you don't have to touch the bathroom floor.
Ha, yes, I am THAT friend.
Couple hours later . . .
"SBD, how long does it take for this stuff to work?"
Really fast, almost right away if you use the external cream, too.
"This shit isn't working. You lied."
Really? You must have nuclear yeast, cuz it always works right away for me. I guess that means no sex for you, huh?
Heh. I don't think I'll need to shun her again this week.
Anways, so at the Walgreens, we walk past the feminine care aisle. And the thing? Why do they always put the feminine supplies right in the main aisle? Why do they not tuck the feminine supplies in a discreet little back corner, I ask? A lively discussion was had with Brazen Hussy about it, and so I sent her my commentary on the topic. Too funny.
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