Soapbox Diner
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Another 100 Things . . . to be continued. |
04.11.07 |
You know what I love? I love lists. I have hundreds of them; they populate my life. As a matter of fact, right now I'm looking at lists for what I want to accomplish today, including calling to have Mr. T's broke down car towed away, calling Crime Victims Compensation, calling the Billing Department of the self-same hospital that promised me I wouldn't have to pay for the examination after my assault, rearranging the furniture in my home office, reorganizing my files, emailing my friends regarding directions and plans for this upcoming weekend's Big Birthday Bash on the Beach with SBD, tearing down some of the panels from the fence, and rototilling up the yard for the hedges that are currently en route with the ultra fast United States Postal Service. That's my list, so here's a list for you.
Another 100 Things.
1. Let's start off easy. I love lists.
2. I also love order and organization.
3. My office - and in particular, my desk - are a complete sty of disorganization right now.
4. I can't even see the faux wood grain anymore.
5. I have two dart boards in my office, but I can only hit them after cracking beer number one and finishing off beer number two.
6. I actively advise standing behind me after that, cuz I miss.
7. I also have an air hockey table in my office.
8. Air hockey rocks!
9. If you want to play me, I actively advise protective eyewear cuz, and I'll say this again, I miss.
10. Frequently.
11. Last night, me and kid were watching Rosanne Barr's Funniest Mom in America
12. He said I should go on there, cuz I'm funny.
13. My son told me I needed to start dating again, because I can only be happy if I have a man in my life making that happen.
14. See, humor runs strongly in our family.
15. My son has also shared that I should quit my job and be a writer.
16. God, this desk is KILLING me. I can't STAND the clutter.
17. I used to be evil.
18. I really, really liked being evil.
19. Then I started to feel guilty about it.
20. So I stopped.
21. I really, really miss the evil.
22. However, I feel karmically doomed whenever I indulge.
23. This vexes me and confuses me greatly, because I wasn't even raised Catholic or anything.
24. Rereading the foregoing seems kinda self-explaining anyway, because Catholics don't even believe in Karma.
25. Go figure.
26. I believe in the occult.
27. However, I believe that the occult is something our brains manifest subconsciously.
28. I'm not sure if that's Freudian, but when in doubt . . .
29. Ah, hell. Fine. You're absolutely right. It is Freudian, and I do need help.
30. After much soul-searching, I've decided I'm OK with that, and the rest of you can fuck off.
31. I also like cursing.
32. I don't think that makes me low-rent, either.
33. Why's that? Because I finally moved out of the trailer. Ergo, I'm an uptown bitch now.
34. Love me.
35. I like to philosophize.
36. However, I'm pretty sure whatever it is I'm pondering has already been examined thoroughly by some obscure dead guy.
37. That really messes with my grandiose self-image of complete superiority.
38. For the entire duration of my relationship with Mr. T, I suffered regular but very painful bouts of gas.
39. Now that I'm single again? No gas!
40. You see? Men ARE the cause and the reason for every affliction - it's not just theory anymore.
41. I love reading Plato and St. Augustine.
42. I think this proves that the only good guys are either dead, gay, or celibate.
43. But I'm not bitter.
44. Every morning, I wake up, go out on the patio and enjoy a cup of coffee and two cigarettes.
45. In the morning, I love cigarettes.
46. By the time evening comes, I feel very bogged down by the prison of nicotine addiction and promise myself I will shake loose its chains of oppression.
47. Then I go to bed, sleep, wake up, and start the whole cycle again.
48. I have an exercise bike in my bedroom, but I don't ever ride it.
49. Eh, besides the bed and the dresser, it's the only other thing in there. Therefore, it can kinda be classified as statuary - and every room should have art, you dig?
50. Well, why didn't you say so! If you dig, come on over and help with this landscaping, fool!
51. About three months ago, Nine Toes loaned Mr. T and I his wheel barrel.
52. I haven't returned it yet.
53. I believe this fact alone firming entrenches me the category of Neighbors Who Never Return Your Tools.
54. I'm gonna stop here, cuz have have lots to do, and I'm just procrastinating.
55. Procrastinating is fun, and I do it whenever I can.
56. Except when it is initiated by someone else.
57. Then I get really cranky and secretly call them lazy good-for-nothing slugs in my head.
Oh, well. Tally ho.
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