Soapbox Diner
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Work . . . work it girl. |
04.02.07 |
In my multitudes of free time, darlings, I have devised a new diet and exercise regime that I feel quite confident is soon to be a worldwide trend the likes of Atkins or South Beach have not even seen!
It's called, landscape SBDs digs. Here's what you do. First you spend the entirety of your tax return on mail order catalog products. Then you wait about six weeks for delivery. Now that doesn't too strenuous, I know, but it's just the warm up.
In that interim, you must pace back and forth between your online bank statement and your email account to check 1. Did they send confirmation of shipment? 2. Did they take the money from your account, or do you still have some play room in the budget?
Now that you're good and warm, you will experience the adreline rush of Delivery! In this stage, you rush home to open your THREE BIG BOXES, MOMMY! that your child has assured you have been placed ever so nicely on your front entry. Now you must rip out your boxes (Word of Advise: Don't use your teeth) and verify contents. Of course, you have both sun and shade garden products in your boxes, all grudgingly residing next to each other. As you might imagine, these guys are ready to brawl, as they come from different neighborhoods and don't like it when interlopers invade their spaces. Sunny better not come to the shady side, word.
So you must then break up the fight and relegate Sunny and Shady to their new hoods. Only Sunny didn't come alone - he brought about 100 of his friends along. Shady's been here before and knows the deal, so he came with about 200 of his niggas.
And that's kinda where your work out get a kick start, because despite everyting looking great in the catalog, you don't really know what 302 bareroot goons looks like until their chillin' in your yard freestyle.
The final stage of the work out involves the most sweat. See you wait for Friday night, grab a beer to lull Sunny and Shady into your confidences that you're down with the Old E. eightball, too. ONce they see that beer in your right hand, they don't even notice that you have a shovel in your left. Sillies.
So you toss some dirt around till the sun goes down. Sunny and Shady didn't know you party like that, but then you get up before daybreak and make your way back to the party. Shazam, it's like you never left.
Then you work all day in the yard, tilling about 30 yards of soil with your one, sad little shovel - all by yourself, cuz by now S & S know what's up and go into chill mode.
So you pull weeds, and for the real fun, you realize that there are too many of them for the existing beds. So you have to make them a new bed. You wheel about a gazillion wheel barrel loads of sod, weeks, and dirt across the yard to compost, before starting the real work of cutting 200 year old maple roots out of your new bed.
I sit before you now, unable to move any of my new-found and quite cramped muscles. Feel that burn, baby!
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