soapboxdiner

The one where I fret about my future

Cripes, this has been the longest day ever. Today I made nine dozen cookies, assembled and decorated one seven foot fake christmas tree, bought five christmas presents, washed two loads of laundry and bathed one medium-sized child.

I'm ready for my weekend now, Mr. DeMille.

What I'm really wondering though is, when in the hell did 29 mean free license to contract acne? Christ almighty, I look like a 14-year-old boy here.

Okay, that's really all I have in me tonight. Other than that whiny bit about nobody at work loving me to the proper level of adoration and praise. Do they not know how important it is for them to love me? It isn't just this $9/hour thing I'm working for. I'm working to reclaim credibility. I working to start something with a future that hopefully isn't as tenuous as the last year has seen it. Hell, I'm working because I realized the other day that I have no nest egg anymore and in thirty years, I'll have to live off cat food if I don't start putting something away soon. Oh, and yeah. As a good and loving parent, I'm supposed to be saving at least $50,000 in the next 13 years so the kid can go to college.

Sha. Right. Like that's going to happen.

They are supposed to love me and find me to be indispensible so I can go about the planning of the rest of my life. I cannot be trifled with in this manner, people. I don't have the time to waste anymore.

Okay, now I'm really done. I think I'll go Noxema the skin off my forehead in hopes that these pimples will magically disappear by morning.

Night.

Inserted later because I remembered it late and didn't want to do another entry.

Today, as Mother and I were coming home from buying the above-mentioned presents and other various sundries, a truly breakthrough moment was had. For those of you who don't know, my sister and I don't get along. Really, I think we've talked maybe two times this year. The whys of it are tiresome and unimportant to detail yet again. Suffice it to say, I believe you are supposed to possess the ability to treat family tenderly. I don't believe there is room to be judgemental if you don't understand them. If anything, you are supposed to seek out understanding and lend support. You are suppose to be able to take differences and share insights and laughter and even the occasional well-placed kick in the ass. You are not supposed to sit On High and randomly pass out harsh and dibilitating judgements and insults.

I love my sister, but really, I no longer have any desire to pass under her hawk eye of inadequacy. So when my mother asked if I wanted to spend Christmas Eve at her house, I simply said No. I don't want to be uncomfortable in her home. Feel free to go and enjoy her family. We'll see you on Christmas day. Really, just because I don't want to go doesn't mean you can't go and have a good time. We'll be fine on our own for the day.

And today when Mom and I were talking about it I told her, "I don't want it to be so hard anymore. We're just different people and we are all judgemental. But I don't want to be in that position with her anymore. She's got her own life and I have mine. They don't need to be forced together if she doesn't wish to make whatever between us that happens to currently be wrong, right."

Mom said with a sigh, "Yeah, but there is something to be said about walking a mile in the shoes of another. And I bet those blisters on your feet hurt, Carla."

"Mom, I guess we all have our own lessons to learn in our own times. Sister is a great Mom and a good housewife. But she has no idea what it is to be a single parent. She may be taking the kids to soccer practice and joining the PTA, but she has no idea what it's like having to choose between buying groceries or signing the kid up for that extracurricular whatever that would make him really happy. She's never had to look her children in the face and see their disappointment. I'm doing the best job I can, and all she can see is me as a failure. But that's her lesson."

And for the first time, I said that with absolutely zero resentment towards her. I didn't hate her for it. And I didn't pity myself. It was just a statement of fact of the way things are. And I'm okay with that. It was really nice to just be okay with that at last.

8:40 pm - 12.15.02
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