soapboxdiner

Another shopping crisis averted

Ahhh. The Saturday after Thanksgiving. Do you know what this means? Do you?!? It means I have once again successfully avoided the second most heinous day of the year - the opening of the Christmas shopping season! For me, there were no stores filled with euphoric turkey-sated masses hopped up on adrenaline, rushing with goody-stacked carts that make the Tower of Babel look puny, running and ramming each other in their respective buttae as they hobble their way to the Barbie Rapunzel isle, spurred on to the manic tune of The Chipmunks': Holly Jolly Christmas. Oh, no, there was nothing of that sort in my day yesterday. Am I ecstatic?

Why yes! I am!

Of course, avoidance of The Most Shopped Day of the Year requires an excuse: Major scientific study. Oh yes, only the serious study the WBs air-wave pollution by marathon Elim-A-Date warrants and excuses missing that joy on earth. And study I did. After hours of objective observation whereby mine eyes witnessed exposition of tan-in-a-bottled flesh, frenzies of competitive used G-string gift-making, and queued woman patiently awaiting their turn to swap saliva with white-tongued beef cakes, I have made my conclusions:

• Jerry Springer is not either the lowest-class thing on television.

• Neither is Anna Nicole.

• If getting-to-know-you means allowing strangers to examine the hygenic maintenance of your pubic follicles, I might as well get myself a cat right now.

• Some people just don't know that just because it's called "brushing your teeth", that doesn't mean you can't mow down some of that tongue plaque by vigorously oscillating a little Colgate and Listerine over that bad boy. And that sad lack of knowledge really needs to be corrected.

• When spurned women pout, "The guy had no brain, but it was okay; I just got him to stop talking by tickling his tonsils and giving him my panties. So what if he didn't pick me. He's stupid and I didn't like him anyway. He had no class." should probably spend some time reconsidering their own intellectual prowess.

This concludes my scientific conclusions.

I have promised the kid that this weekend would be the one in which the holiday decorations would be brought out in joyous celebration of the festive season's beginning. I am woefully unready for this to be the case, my friends. But a promise to a child carries much weight, and should not be put off lightly.

Ergo, I must now bid the computer adieu in deference to the chaos that is rampantly strewing tinsil and bulbs about the house.

Is noon too early for drink?

10:02 am - 11.30.02
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