soapboxdiner

The price of family: 62 dollars

Thanks ladies - you know who you are.

I'm okay. I'm really tired. Arguments with family just suck, especially when Bro has been drinking. He's an ugly, ugly drunk who I'm afraid has the staggering ability to push all my buttons quite viciously and without even a shread of remorse later. I'm supposed to just take it all and forgive him. I'm supposed to tuck my tail between my legs and listen to every nasty, mean-spirited word he spews on me, because he is The Son and Baby of the family and can do no wrong.

It all started at the Midas, getting the car repaired. Exit to the meat of the dispute:

"Embarrassing me is one thing, but when you embarrass my friends where they work, that's unforgiveable. You're a fucking bitch and we hate you. We all hate you. Don't call here (to my mother's house, where he lives) ever again.

"We all hate you. You're crazy and psychotic and you take everything from the family. I will never do a favor for you again. We hate you. All of us. We're tired of you and want you gone out of the family forever. Don't call us again, we won't answer the phone. You're a fucking crazy bitch."

It was like a bad hate letter from here, only for real and all the venom heartfelt.

The worst part is, none of it was true. His accusations that I'd written a bad check for the car repairs his friend did - not true.

That he thinks I'd even fathom or comtemplate in my brain for a split second doing something like that. Not True. He didn't even bother to verify the accuracy of his suppositions before calling me the family embarrassment they all despised. Not a word of his accusations were true.

"You don't really believe that, Bro. You don't honestly believe that I would stab my family or their friends in the back."

"Yes, honestly. I don't think you are that kind of person - I KNOW you are. You're crazy and you take and take and take and we all hate you."

So, fuck it. Even typing it out drains me. It tires me. I have no energy to expend on trying to fix another person's perceptions of me - no matter how alcohol induced and wrong. I have no will to forgive his ugliness - not that I'll ever get an apology.

So instead of writing a check, I just went to the bank and got a cashier's check - since my word and personal check aren't sufficiently honorable for my family.

I didn't ask for any of this "help". I didn't ask for the accusations. I didn't ask to be the pariah of the family. But it all comes out, doesn't it? I can try my damnedest to right their perceptions. To heal whatever went wrong so we can be close. But it always comes down to this. Always.

And I'm tired of crying over it. I guess families are supposed to heal from these things but it has been going on for too long. I quite frankly don't want to heal it anymore. I just want it gone and done.

I don't want to get another phone call like that ever again. And if that means dissociating from the people involved - even family - so be it.

I refuse to cry over it again. It's all so stupid. Banal, I believe is the word. Even taking this much energy writing it down is too much. So not worth it.

4:48 pm - 10.16.02
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